Before I actually knew who or what I stood for I was a church girl ,always following the rules . THREE cardinal rules : no sex before marriage ,no tattoos ,no alcohol that's what I've been taught from birth . Since the beginning of this year however I've broken all three rules. Church girl doesn't feel guilty for it though because church girl has found self .
I was always the girl that preached God and The Bible everyday on social networks until one day on Twitter I stumbled upon a staunch feminist and fell head over heels with the thought of standing for something that I had chosen for myself .I found 'feminism' and from that I found self-worth , self-love and the truest most genuine sense of self.
As a girl that was raised and is still a part of a religious family I was taught that by all means I must preserve myself so that I may be seen as 'good enough' to marry. I did not realize how problematic this was until recently .I can't stomach the thought that marriage is made to seem like the be all and end all for girl's but it's never the same for boys (when back then all this made perfect sense to me) .That's how I've lived my whole life ...doing all the things that I thought made me 'wifey material' I.e being celibate ,always doing too much to show just how well I cooked, cleaned and how I was better than the next girl . It was imperative to me to always in all ways strive for perfection .
I'm 20 now and I am realizing more everyday that it is okay to have and embrace my flaws and that my independent thinking outside of what I was taught in church and at home is not a mental malfunction .I still however judge myself when I do things that my parents or church people would deem immoral .I've learned that one can have sex and take full pleasure in it and still be strong in their faith .I've learned (and this is important) that I don't have to beat myself up about masturbating and entertaining any thoughts that are of a sexual nature . I've realized that questioning certain things doesn't break my faith if anything it makes it stronger .More than anything though Church Girl finding Self has shown me parts of me that I never thought were possible to reach .I still get side-eyes from family and fellow Christians when I say something unconventional but that doesn't matter because Church Girl has found herself and she's happy and that's what matters .