Nobody told me my heart would be so ungovernable. That I would have to work so hard to not let it control me, that my heart, the very thing that keeps me alive would be the reason for the slow death I would feel in my teens and now, twenties. To be in love is to be vulnerable, susceptible to agony and pain and nothing can help you except the very thing that torments you.
My first love was a boy I met at Bible Study, I was sixteen and he was what me, and every other girl in our class ever wanted. Until four months later when he broke up with me on the basis that he was with someone else, that I was the side-piece, that I wasn't good enough for him and not good enough, period. That break up sent me into a pit of self-pity, self-doubt and a dependence on the opinions of men. I mourned my first love for over a year. A year too long, feeling like I would never be whole because he never loved me.
Six years later, I'm still that girl. I still put my relationship status above all else, I still yearn for a touch, a look, a whisper. Anything that assures me that I am worthy of love. That I deserve to be called 'baby' and every time it looks like I'm about to lose that, I go into the same downhill spiral of that sixteen year old who just lost her first love. I've taken a lot of hits as a soldier of love. I've been shot down and torn into pieces. I've rejected my own pieces of advice and felt ashamed of myself every single time.
There are some differences between sixteen year old me and who I am now. Now, I make these decisions in free will. Now I know better, I know that walking away from the war is always an option. I know that I can give up my badge and walk alone. The part that will always confuse me is why I choose to stay in the war zone, why this feeling is so addictive to me. What about being sad and blue makes me happy? The licking of wounds after the fact? The feeling like I've conquered every time I fight the tears and win? I'm not sure if I'll ever understand, but I wish I never knew heartbreak, only because I've become a little too fond to it.